Talk to an advisor (9 AM-9 PM EST): 866-442-6062

Talk to an advisor (9 AM-9 PM EST): 866-925-2803

Dan Lee sat on the edge of his chair listening intently to the firm yet encouraging words of the woman across the mahogany desk. It was a cool April morning, the trees were beginning to bloom, and his last days of high school were winding down. As the acceptance letter in his hand moistened and his task of making the final college decision lingered in the near future, he yearned for every bit of advice he could get. His bright blue eyes and the way he clenched his lip with his teeth revealed his frustration. "I just want to make everyone happy," Dan says.

"If you want to go to this school, then go for it. Nothing is holding you back except yourself," his high school counselor, Laverne Russomanno, says. Dan, a junior at the University of Massachusetts (UMASS, Amherst, MA), faced a tough decision. To complicate matters, he hoped to get both his parents' blessings to travel to Massachusetts for college.

Naturally, many students like Dan turn to their parents for help with the stressful college decision process, but when everyone is not in agreement, things get rough.

Luckily, there are some ways to smooth out these sticky situations. Ready to play? We asked average college--bound teens what their parents' reactions were to their college choice - their responses may frighten you. But, you can win the "Feud" if you know what to expect...

Survey Says: "You want to go where?!"
Since she was a little girl, Missy Hartwell, a small--town Louisiana native, dreamed about becoming an astronaut. This dream led her to one of the most prestigious aeronautical engineering schools in the country, Purdue University (West Lafayette, IN). However, the thought of Missy going far from home left her mother heartbroken. "You're going to kill me; you're going to make me cry," Sheila Hartwell pleaded to her oldest daughter in her Louisiana twang.

"Miss, why don't you go in--state so you can come home on Sundays? We can eat lunch together and I'll do your laundry. We'll even buy you a Jeep if you stay," offered Sheila. But, the enticing incentives were not enough for Missy to budge; her mind was made up.

"I just didn't want to let her go so far. It was just her and I for a long time before I got remarried; we kept each other afloat," Sheila explains. Your school's location can become a problem. Parents do not want their child going far away, and students do not generally want to stay local, according to Joanne Korte, a high school Guidance Counselor at Cor Jesu Academy (St. Louis, MO). Korte advises students and parents to go ahead and apply to the schools that are farther away, but also a few close to home.

"Mix it up a little," Korte says. If your parents aren't keen on the idea of you straying so far from the nest, applying to some schools that are closer to home will put them at ease. Also reassure them that your mind is not yet made up.

Dan had a different problem on his hands. At home he was constantly in limbo due to his parents' divorce. "I was sick of always dealing with going from my dad's house to my mom's house," Lee says with frustration. "I went back and forth for years; I wanted to get away from it completely."

Dan broke out of his wearisome routine by traveling to UMASS. His parents objected. "Since my parents are divorced, they kind of put me in the middle," Dan says. "I had to choose who to listen to."

Dan's mom wanted him to get out and experience new territory. "Don't get trapped in St Louis - there's a lot more out there," she said. On the other hand, Dan's dad wanted him to stay close to home. "There are plenty of good schools in the Midwest," his father advised.

Tackle this kind of problem by defining your goals for both yourself and your parents so you have a clear picture of what you want, says Mike Barron, the director of admissions at the University of Iowa (Iowa City, IA). "Sometimes, students have a hard time articulating their values," adds Barron.

He suggests visiting the colleges together, so both parents and potential students are reminded of what they are and are not looking for. "Parents have a lot of experience and know their child well," says Barron. By traveling to the campuses, they can actually help you realize what you need, and at the same time, better understand what you want.

Dan usually took his doubting father along with him on campus visits. "By showing my dad other campuses, he could see the types of places I wanted to go, and how great they really were," Dan says. By doing this, his dad could ease into the transition of letting his child go away from home.

Survey Says: "We're paying, so we decide!"
The walls in the Clodius living room seemed to close in as tensions between Meghan Clodius and her father heightened with stressful arguments and sporadic tears.

She looked straight into the blue eyes of the big, intimidating former football coach towering over her. Without hesitation, Meghan jumped off her floral love seat and spoke firmly, "Dad, I'm paying for it, so I'm going where I'm going to be happy." But, her somewhat overbearing father did not respond so well. "Well, you're my daughter, and you will listen to what I have to say," he said with hostility.

For Meghan, a student at Rockhurst University (Kansas City, MI), money was a huge issue. Knowing that she had to pay for it all on her own, she researched schools constantly and applied for scholarships whenever possible. All three of the schools she applied to had given her sufficient aid and scholarship, but her decision to go to Rockhurst still angered her father.

Rockhurst was the only school that Meghan had to pay some money to attend, while the other two schools had offered her a full--ride. "My dad was very mad about that; he thought it was irresponsible of me," Meghan says.

However, Meghan knew that Rockhurst was the best fit for her despite the small financial package. "I just loved the atmosphere of the city and the people I met," she says. "Students are constantly asking themselves, 'Do I see myself here?'" says Barron. However, you must remember that the motivations behind your concerns are different from those of your parents' - even if you are the one who is paying for it.

Looking back on the hurtful yelling and constant arguments with her dad, Meghan wishes she would have remained calm. "Keep your cool," she says. "There were too many times we both let our emotions and stubbornness get a hold of us. That just proved to be trouble, and nothing got accomplished."

Survey Says: "We just can't afford it."
During her parent--student college advising meeting, Korte peers across her desk and sees the wave of disappointment sweep over the girl's bright, excited face at the sound of her parents' financial realities. "Honey, I'm sorry. It's just too expensive."

"I see this all the time," Korte says. "Sometimes it cannot be worked out, but many times it can." Korte tells her students and their parents to explore a range of schools. "Always start with a couple of 'reach' schools, then the middle of the road and a backup," she says. "This way, you've covered all your grounds financially."

Another problem parents and their children run into is talking about money. "Parents don't like to disappoint their child, but they must reveal the roadblocks," says Barron. Ask your parents what their limits are. "I tell students that there's no harm in asking," she says. This lowers the chance for confusion and friction.

Dan knew his financial burdens from the beginning. Because his parents are divorced, his mom claims him as her dependent, and his dad claims his sister, Jessie. "My mom doesn't make a lot of money," Dan admits.

Because he knew he couldn't just pick any school, Dan looked at schools with lower tuition costs that could give him sufficient financial aid. "I wouldn't want to put her through that financial burden," Dan says about his mom. "I had to take a realistic approach to money and tuition costs."

In order to make "money talk" with your parents run smoother, both sides need to do their homework. You must research the financial options available for each school you want to apply to and be realistic about your search. "There's a big difference between the sticker price and the real price," Barron says. There are many avenues to explore in order to knock down the original price.

Survey Says: "You have to carry on our legacy."
Sometimes, parents put too much pressure on their child to go to a certain school because they themselves did. Kelly Hopkins, a junior at Indiana University (IU, Bloomington, IN), says her dad pushed her to go to his alma mater, the University of Illinois (Chicago, IL). "He was dead set on me going there; there were no other options in his eyes," Kelly says.

"I didn't want to go there at all. I felt like I'd be going back to high school," she says. This conflict between her and her dad was hard on her family. Her mother was open to Kelly's ideas, but her father was persistent.

"There are a lot of pushy parents out there," Barron warns. Many parents pressure their child to go to the most prestigious universities or their alma mater despite what the child wants.

According to both Korte and Barron, you have to find the school at which you feel most comfortable. "In the end, parents just want their kids to be happy," says Korte. Kelly knew that she'd be happy at IU. "I just chose it, and he had to deal with it," she says. "He was a little angry at first, but he got over it."

No matter what kind of disagreement you have with your parents when it comes to deciding on a college, there's always a way to work it out. Remember, communication is the most essential part to solving problems.

"You must think about all the possibilities in your decision and talk it out with your parents," says Korte. "Be honest and mature about it."

Now, three years later, Dan's mom is still happy for him, and his dad finally came around. "He just embraced my decision and said, 'This is where you're going, so I'm going to like it,'" Dan says as a wide smile of relief breaks across his face.

His decision was a hard and emotional one, but he learned some valuable lessons. "You have to put yourself in their shoes; understand where they're coming from," Dan advises. "And remember, you are the one living with the decision, not your parents."

Sound Off! Post Your Comments