on National Colleges, College Admissions, and College Life
Don't Let Roommates Get the Best of You
by Malerie Yolen-Cohen
Imagine your new freshman roommate enters the room smoking a cigarette with no regard for the "No Smoking" signs posted all over the dorm. Amongst his suitcases and boxes, you spy several cartons indicating this habit goes way deeper than move-in-day jitters. You are an ardent fan of the Clean Air Act, particularly as it applies to your own living quarters..
Or how about this: Your assigned suitemate crosses the threshold with several loud and boisterous chums on her arm. You're the quiet type who enjoys peace and silence (not to mention a good night's sleep). Now what?!
Whether it's privacy issues, outright moodiness, or even thievery, every college student past and present can tell a tale or two about mismatched dorm room partners. If you find yourself experiencing disharmony during your first semester at school, fear not. You are not alone, and there is a way to protect yourself against roommate angst!
Beth, who experienced adjustment problems during her first year at a Midwestern college, suffered because of both her roommate's appetite and her "sticky fingers." Because of Beth's sporadic school schedule, she always kept some staple foods in her room to munch on when hungry. "There were only a few foods I would eat, like peanut butter. I'd keep the jar in my duffel bag, but when I'd return from class, there would be scoops of peanut butter missing and finger marks in it."
The thought of her roommate's dirty digits dipping into her favorite source of nutrition turned Beth off to eating entirely. When Beth confronted her, the roommate denied it. This sneaky and unsanitary behavior continued throughout the semester.
Jen, another first-year student, roomed with a girl whose boyfriend arrived at their doorstep on the first day of school. He stayed for three months. After repeatedly waking up to the two of them making out, Jen insisted the boyfriend find his own place to dwell and that he and her roommate "express their affection" there. The couple insisted that they were "looking for a place." Unfortunately for Jen, it took a good portion of the semester for them to find it.
The dormmate dilemmas don't end there! There are also cases of excessive incense burning, bizarre wardrobe choices that include underwear "borrowing," even obsessive requests (imagine waking up to a mirror full of post-it notes declaring "You forgot to move your coffee cup!"). Needless to say, living with a stranger can make your college life miserable -- if you let it!
There are steps you can take to deal with (and hopefully, even avoid) disastrous roommates. Take heed:
1. Fill out your housing checklist accurately. You can attempt to dodge a roommate mismatch in the first place by paying attention to the questionnaire that will come in the thick college packet. "Use the housing checklist to your fullest advantage; it usually works," urges Danielle Belson, a sophomore at Washington University (St. Louis, MO), who leads campus tours for prospective students. Some get real particular: "Do you go to bed after midnight? Are you a smoker? Can you go to bed with music on, lights on?"
2. Learn to be assertive. According to Dr. Linda Scott, a clinical psychologist affiliated with University of Massachusetts Mental Health Services, "it's important that you speak up for yourself -- defend yourself against a real or perceived wrong." Until you're able to express to your roomie what is really bothering you, there will be no foundation for rectifying the problem.
3. Choose a calm time to talk. Nothing is ever settled in the heat of an argument. If tempers flare, leave the situation to cool down. Take a walk, go out with a friend -- anything to gain some perspective. When you can breathe normally again, approach your roommate to talk maturely about what is bothering you.
4. Engage in non-threatening conversation by asking a question. Accusing your roommate of misdoing will only put him only put him or her on the defensive. Harsh confrontation and blame sets the stage for denial and resentment. Instead, ask questions to enlist your roommate's help: "I noticed my juice boxes are missing. Do you know what happened to them?"
5. Take notes. "Once an anomaly, twice a relationship, three times a pattern," says Michael Burchell, an area director of residence life at U Mass. Meaning, if talking it out and being assertive just isn't working, take your dilemma to the next level. If you see unhealthy or inappropriate behavior, document it when you can. Then tell someone -- a friend, a professor, your resident assistant (R.A.). Writing it down will help you articulate what is really going on.
6. Always go to the R.A. first. It's his/her job to work out an agreement between conflicted roommates. Sometimes all it takes is a neutral third-party to see issues from a different viewpoint. An R.A. can present a set of behaviors that both roommates can agree upon equally. These "roommate agreements," drawn up at the start of the semester, can avert problems later on.
7. If the dwelling dilemma still exists, take it up to the residence or hall director. With a relationship that's heated up to combustible range, mere dialogue or agreeing to disagree may not cut it. It may be time for the "higher ups" to take some action. Such professionals are skilled in conflict-resolution and mediation and can hold a judicial meeting if a roommate's conduct violates school policy. Violent students will be dealt with immediately.
8. Contact the housing administrator. If all else fails, and proper channels have been used and exhausted, the university or college housing administrator may find you a new place to live. Usually, this is where your parents may have to get involved. An urgent call from your mom or dad indicates a student is at the end of his/her rope. Administrators, as well as college housing directors, will move quickly to assist families. Their goal? To keep kids enrolled and happy.
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