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I was in my sophomore year at Michigan State University (MSU), East Lansing, MI, when my father died on that cold, final day of January 1996. I learned that even though there is never a good time to lose a member of your immediate family, there are worse times.

Being nearly halfway through with College was one of the worst times such a tragedy could occur. What happens now, I wondered? Will my mother still be able to pay for my education now that my family's primary income was gone? Do I take the semester off? If I do, how far will I be pushing back Graduation? Would I be able to concentrate on my coursework?

I learned the answers to those questions when I returned to school a week after my father's funeral. Fortunately, dad left my mother well-off to pay for the remainder of my undergraduate education at MSU, so I didn't have to worry about Financial aid. The rest of the semester, however, was an emotional rollercoaster of worries for me. The world wasn't going to stop and wait for me to catch up just because I'd suffered a loss. Not only was I grieving, I was fighting like hell to keep my head above water in my classes.

Take Care of You
When an immediate family member dies, ready or not, the torch is passed to you. Others will depend on you. Be sure to take some time for yourself. Look into counseling and make sure your counselor has a few years' experience under his or her belt. Seek out support groups on or nearby campus for people who have lost an immediate family member; they're in the same boat as you. And, expect your phone bill to go up dramatically, especially during that first month. You'll be talking to your family and out-of-town friends more, checking up on their welfare, as well as venting your own frustrations.

Always give in to whatever impulses and emotions you're feeling. If you have an overwhelming urge to go for a walk, then go for a walk. If you have to cry, seek solitude or a friend's shoulder, and cry. Whatever your favorite hobby (golfing, biking, blading), do it more often. It'll help take the edge off, as well as get you out of the house (or the Dorm).

Most importantly, do not bottle up what you're feeling - especially if it's anger. If you're angry, find an outlet to vent it productively. If you bottle it up and then finally explode, God help you and the person who is in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Bitter Experience
My dad's  

death

  defined loyalties. When I first learned of Dad's passing, the first thing my roommate asked me was not if I was okay, but if I would be coming back. I told him, in all honesty, I didn't know. After all, I was in shock.

When I did return to school, my roommate incorrectly assumed I wasn't coming back, had the temerity to pack my stuff, move in new furniture, and then be mad at me!
Our resident assistant (RA) and resident director (RD) had to step in and mediate the volatile situation before we came to blows. Why didn't I move out? I couldn't, because there weren't any rooms available. If your roommate has a totally different belief system when it comes to death, tell him or her to respect your grief and your way of dealing with it. Inform him or her in advance to cut you some slack.

My true friends, however, went above and beyond the call of duty for me. Whenever I needed something, they dropped everything and helped me in any way they could. They were always thoughtful, inviting me to dinner or some social activity. I'll never forget what they did for me, nor would I have made it through the semester without them.

Immediate Action Items
Once you learn about a death in your family and make arrangements to return home, immediately talk to your RA or RD. He or she can act on your behalf and inform your professors about your loss. Always secure an official copy of a death certificate, as well as a copy of the obituary in the newspaper. Although it may be morbid, it's advisable to have it on you at all times - you'll never know when you may need it upon your return. (Off-campus students will be very dependent on these documents, since they have no RD to fall back on) .

Upon your return from the funeral, make an appointment with your advisor and RD as soon as possible. They can work with you on re-evaluating your priorities for the semester. My advisor and I mapped out a plan for the remainder of my undergraduate Career, factoring in the withdrawal of some classes, just in case. The purpose of all this damage control is to determine how whatever courses of action you take during that sad semester will affect your graduation date.

Handling Your Professors
By the time you return to college, your professors should have been informed about your loss by the RD, and most will cut you some slack. It does pay to know your professors. Despite the fact that I attended a Large University, the prior relationships I had made with my professors enabled me to openly discuss my hardships. Make records of difficulties with professors, and whenever possible, get them to put refusals in writing.

If you have to drop a class, don't be afraid to do so. As long as the class you drop is one that's offered every semester, it may be better to postpone it until you're in a better state of mind, especially if the class is not a requirement for your major.

In the End
There were many moments when I regretted not taking the whole semester off. Part of the reason I returned was the question in my mind: "What was I going to do all day?" I knew I'd get bored, and boredom would only make things worse.

If I stayed home, I would've never gotten close - or closer - to those five special friends, nor would I have grown and become a stronger person.

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