After years of preparing for college, I was shocked by how quickly the first semester of my freshman year flew by.

In a flash, final exams were over and my parents waited patiently as I hugged new college friends goodbye at Susquehanna University (Selinsgrove, PA). We all had the same look of bewilderment on our faces - we were about to make the jump from a complete absence of parental restraints back to the status quo of frowns and mandatory explanations.

College winter break: One full month back at home with the family. I was scared to death. The battles begin as soon as freshmen head home for the much deserved holiday break. Many first -- year college students will find clashes with their parents inevitable.This survival guide to your first college winter break can help you make a smooth transition back to the homestead -- not an easy mission after a semester of absolute freedom.

Snowballing Arguments
As a recent college grad, I have experienced the struggle for freedom. I have also watched countless other college friends fight for autonomy when returning home. The rumbles start simply enough. Mom and dad have a difficult time understanding why you want to go to a gas station deli for a sandwich at 3 a.m. They think your new eating habits and nocturnal behaviors are strange. What's considered chillin' out in the dorm community quickly becomes bizarre behavior in your 'rents home.

Here's an example for you: My parents never quite embraced my free -- spirited love of the open road. During the semester, I frequently embarked on weekend road trips to exciting destinations. Mom and dad perceived these adventures as little more than a waste of gas. Beware -- these differences in opinion can quickly snowball into verbal brawls.

I remember it well: One snowy evening on a winter break home, my high school friends and I decided it would be great fun to drive to the University of Delaware (Newark, DE) for the weekend. We had just reunited in Scranton, PA, after experiencing a whole semester's worth of changes apart from each other. We had plenty of stories to exchange and lots of new CDs to share. But my parents took one look outside at the circling gusts of wind and snow and promptly said, "Absolutely not."

In hindsight, they were probably right. Yet the issue was not my road trip to Delaware. I was more concerned with winning the tug-of-war we were having for control of my life. After just one semester at school, I believed I knew what was best for Melanie.

I wanted to be my own boss. Of course, my parents disagreed and World War III broke out in the kitchen. My lasting memory of the event was when I yelled out, "It's time to cut the umbilical cord!"
Needless to say, mom and dad weren't impressed, and we were all left frustrated and unhappy afterward.

Let the 'Rents Warm Up
Patti Collins, a professional counselor at Texas A&M University's Student Counseling Service (College Station, TX), helps first-year students handle stress caused by returning home for college winter break. "We see students who are anxious about going home because they have been on their own," Collins says. "They're dealing with the stress of transition." Collins suggests students communicate clearly with their families to come up with mutual agreements on each party's expectations for the break. "Remember, it's not just what you want," Collins tells students. "It takes two to tango."

I've learned firsthand just how important good communication is in the battle for independence. Specifically, yelling is not an effective way to interact with adults. Instead:

> Try to calm down and take a thoughtful approach to getting your message across. As soon as tempers flare and voices raise, it's impossible to exchange information. Timing is especially important when establishing open lines of communication with the family.

> Everyone gets stressed when great aunts and second cousins come knocking at the door with loud tidings of good cheer. I always avoid crammed kitchens and noisy dens when trying to negotiate with my parents.

> Perhaps sending mom and dad an e-mail prior to college winter break will be more successful than verbal battles later on: Dear Mom and Dad, Now that I'm a college student, I hope you will trust me to decide when I should come home at night. I think I'm responsible enough not to have a curfew anymore. At the same time, I respect your opinion on what you think is best for me during the upcoming winter break. Let's sit down this weekend and talk about how we can all be happy during the next month. Love, Me.

Avoid Cold Confrontations
This brings me to realization number two: The best way to be treated like an adult is to act like one. In order to earn your independence, you may have to turn off "Sports Center" or "Days of Our Lives" and get a job.

I proved to my parents that I was a responsible adult by working during every college break, including my college winter break. At the end of the summer, I would let my employer know that I would be back in town in December. This almost always guaranteed me a part-time spot for the holiday season.

Other ideas? Take a class at a local college, or volunteer to take on a major project for your parents around the house. One year, I mass-produced Christmas cookies so my mom wouldn't have to spend her free time in the kitchen. At the end of the day, I had dozens of delicious treats to show for my time at home. The lesson here? Less time spent on the couch means fewer confrontations with mom and dad.

Snuggle Up to Adult Thinking
This means looking at things from your parents' point of view. It may sound scary, but most parental figures are also rational adults. I negotiated for freedom best when I tried to understand their motives and rationalizations.

During my fight over the snowy road trip, the only thing going through my head was, "my parents just want to control me." If I had taken the time to step into their shoes, I might have understood that they were thinking a little more practically: "Melanie is going to die if she drives in a snowstorm."
Their position may have been a bit overprotective, but I'm thankful they had the wisdom to steer me clear of recklessness.

I shouldn't have chosen such a trivial moment to declare my independence. By graduation day, I had long abandoned the power struggles I once faced with mom and dad. My parents are now my closest friends. Our friendship grew out of mutual respect for one another.

But -- yes -- I'm my own boss!
Your relationship will grow to a new level as you rediscover your parents not just as mom and dad, but also as unique human beings. In time, they too will begin seeing you as an independent individual.

If the transition home proves more stressful than college midterms, seek the advice of a trained professional. Universities provide counseling services to help students deal with these issues. With four winter breaks ahead, use this time as an opportunity to recreate a healthy relationship with your family.

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