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by Meaghan Burns
Dan Lee sat on the edge
of his chair listening intently to the firm yet
encouraging words of the woman across the mahogany
desk. It was a cool April morning, the trees were
beginning to bloom, and the last days of high
school were winding down. As the acceptance letter
in his hand moistened and his task of making the
final college decision lingered in the near future,
he yearned for every bit of advice he could get.
His bright blue eyes and the way he clenched his
lip with his teeth revealed his frustration. "I
just want to make everyone happy," Dan said.
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"If you want to
go to this school, then go for it. Nothing is
holding you back except yourself," his high
school counselor, Laverne Russomanno, told him.
Dan, a junior at the
University of Massachusetts (UMASS, Amherst, MA),
faced a tough decision. To complicate matters,
he hoped to get both his parents' blessings to
travel from Missouri to Massachusetts for college.
Naturally, many students
like Dan turn to their parents for help with the
stressful college decision process, but when everyone
is not in agreement, things get rough.
Luckily, there are some
ways to smooth out these sticky situations. Ready
to play? We asked college-bound teens what their
parents' reactions were to their college choice
– their responses may frighten you. But,
you can win the "Feud" if you know what
to expect...
Survey Says: "You want to go where?!"
Since she was a little girl, Missy Hartwell, a
small-town Louisiana native, dreamed about becoming
an astronaut. This dream led her to one of the
most prestigious aeronautical engineering schools
in the country, Purdue University (West Lafayette,
IN). However, the thought of Missy going far from
home left her mother heartbroken. "You're
going to kill me; you're going to make me cry,"
Sheila Hartwell pleaded to her oldest daughter
in her Louisiana twang.
"Miss, why don't you go in-state so you
can come home on Sundays? We can eat lunch together
and I'll do your laundry. We'll even buy you a
Jeep if you stay," offered Sheila.
But, the incentives were not enough for Missy
to budge; her mind was made up.
"I just didn't want to let her go so far.
It was just her and me for a long time before
I got remarried; we kept each other afloat,"
Sheila explains.
Your school's location can become a problem.
Parents do not want their child going far away,
and students do not generally want to stay local,
according to Joanne Korte, a high school guidance
counselor at Cor Jesu Academy (St. Louis, MO).
Korte advises students and parents to go ahead
and apply to the schools that are farther away,
but also a few close to home.
"Mix it up a little," Korte says. If
your parents aren't keen on the idea of your straying
so far from the nest, applying to some schools
closer to home will put them at ease. Also, reassure
them that your mind is not yet made up.
Dan had a different problem on his hands. At
home he was constantly in limbo due to his parents'
divorce. "I was sick of always dealing with
going from my dad's house to my mom's house,"
Lee says with frustration. "I went back and
forth for years; I wanted to get away from it
completely."
Dan broke out of his wearisome routine by traveling
to UMASS. His parents objected. "Since my
parents are divorced, they kind of put me in the
middle," Dan says. "I had to choose
who to listen to."
Dan's mom wanted him to get out and experience
new territory. "Don't get trapped in St.
Louis – there's a lot more out there,"
she said.
On the other hand, Dan's dad wanted him to stay
close to home. "There are plenty of good
schools in the Midwest," his father advised.
Tackle this kind of problem by defining goals
for both yourself and your parents so you have
a clear picture of what you want, says Mike Barron,
director of admissions at the University of Iowa
(Iowa City, IA). "Sometimes, students have
a hard time articulating their values," adds
Barron. He suggests visiting the colleges together,
so both parents and potential students are reminded
of what they are and are not looking for. "Parents
have a lot of experience and know their child
well," says Barron. By traveling to campuses
together, they can actually help you realize what
you need, and at the same time, better understand
what you want.
Dan usually took his doubting father along with
him on campus visits. "By showing my dad
other campuses, he could see the types of places
I wanted to go, and how great they really were,"
Dan says. By doing this, his dad could ease into
the transition of letting his child leave home.
Survey Says: "We're paying, so we decide!"
The walls in the Clodius living room seemed to
close in as tensions between Meghan Clodius and
her father heightened with stressful arguments
and sporadic tears.
She looked straight into the blue eyes of the
big, intimidating former football coach towering
over her. Without hesitation, Meghan jumped off
her floral love seat and spoke firmly:"Dad,
I'm paying for it, so I'm going where I'm going
to be happy." But, her somewhat overbearing
father did not respond so well. "Well, you're
my daughter, and you will listen to what I have
to say," he said with hostility.
For Meghan, a student at Rockhurst University
(Kansas City, MI), money was a huge issue. Knowing
she had to pay for it all on her own, she researched
schools constantly and applied for scholarships
whenever possible. All three of the schools she
applied to had given her sufficient aid and scholarships,
but her decision to go to Rockhurst still angered
her father.
Rockhurst was the only school that Meghan had
to pay some money to attend, while the other two
schools offered her a full ride. "My dad
was very mad about that; he thought it was irresponsible
of me," Meghan says.
However, Meghan knew Rockhurst was the best fit
for her despite the small financial package. "I
just loved the atmosphere of the city and the
people I met," she says.
"Students are constantly asking themselves,
'Do I see myself here?'" says Barron. However,
you must remember that the motivations behind
your concerns are different from those of your
parents' – even if you're the one paying
for it.
Looking back on the hurtful yelling and constant
arguments with her dad, Meghan wishes she would
have remained calm. "Keep your cool,"
she says. "There were too many times we both
let our emotions and stubbornness get a hold of
us. That just proved to be trouble, and nothing
got accomplished."
Survey Says: "We just can't afford it."
During her parent-student college advising meeting,
Korte peers across her desk and sees the wave
of disappointment sweep over the girl's bright,
excited face at the sound of her parents' financial
realities: "Honey, I'm sorry. It's just too
expensive."
"I see this all the time," Korte says.
"Sometimes it cannot be worked out, but many
times it can."
Korte tells her students and their parents to
explore a range of schools. "Always start
with a couple of 'reach' schools, then the middle
of the road, and a backup," she says. "This
way, you've covered all your grounds financially."
Another problem parents and their children run
into is talking about money. "Parents don't
like to disappoint their child, but they must
reveal the roadblocks," says Barron.
Ask your parents what their limits are. "I
tell students there's no harm in asking,"
she says. This lessens the chance for confusion
and friction.
Dan knew his financial burdens from the beginning.
Because his parents are divorced, his mom claims
him as a dependent, and his dad claims his sister,
Jessie. "My mom doesn't make a lot of money,"
Dan admits.
Because he knew he couldn't just pick any
school, Dan looked at schools with lower tuition
costs that could give him sufficient financial
aid. "I wouldn't want to put her through
that financial burden," Dan says about his
mom. "I had to take a realistic approach
to money and tuition costs."
In order to make "money talk" with
your parents run smoother, both sides need to
do their homework. You must research the financial
options available for each school you want to
apply to and be realistic about your search. "There's
a big difference between the sticker price and
the real price," Barron says. There are many
avenues to explore in order to knock down the
original price.
Survey Says: "You have to carry on our legacy."
Sometimes, parents put too much pressure on their
child to go to a certain school because they themselves
did. Kelly Hopkins, a junior at Indiana University
(IU, Bloomington, IN), says her dad pushed her
to go to his alma mater, the University of Illinois
(Chicago, IL). "He was dead set on me going
there; there were no other options in his eyes,"
Kelly says.
"I didn't want to go there at all. I felt
like I'd be going back to high school," she
says. This conflict between her and her dad was
hard on her family. Her mother was open to Kelly's
ideas, but her father was insistent.
"There are a lot of pushy parents out there,"
Barron warns. Many parents pressure their child
to go to the most prestigious universities or
their alma mater, despite what the child wants.
According to both Korte and Barron, you have
to find the school at which you feel most comfortable.
"In the end, parents just want their kids
to be happy," says Korte.
Kelly knew she'd be happy at IU. "I just
chose it, and he had to deal with it," she
says. "He was a little angry at first, but
he got over it."
No matter what kind of disagreement you have
with your parents when it comes to deciding on
a college, there's always a way to work it out.
Remember, communication is key to solving problems.
"You must think about all the possibilities
in your decision and talk it out with your parents,"
says Korte. "Be honest and mature about it."
Now, three years later,
Dan's mom is still happy for him, and his dad
finally came around. "He just embraced my
decision and said, 'This is where you're going,
so I'm going to like it,'" Dan says as a
wide smile of relief breaks across his face.
His decision was a hard
and emotional one, but he learned some valuable
lessons. "You have to put yourself in their
shoes; understand where they're coming from,"
Dan advises. "But remember, you are the one
living with the decision, not your parents."
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