When Will Heidi Montag Learn Her Lesson(s)?

January 25th, 2010

I am sure that Heidi Montag is a very nice person. But since I have not met her, I am forced to base my opinion of “The Hills” star on the reports of her recent plastic surgeries (10 in one day!) and her new CD, “Superficial.”

While it is true that Hollywood values youth and beauty, it seems that Montag has taken her quest for physical perfection too far—and, in her words, she’s only getting started. Montag is morphing into a real-life Barbie doll right before our very eyes, and the jury is still out on which one has more plastic.

Although Montag had stints at the Academy of Art University in San Francisco and the Fashion Institute of Design & Merchandising in Los Angeles, perhaps her time would have been better spent studying other arts—liberal arts, that is. With her busy schedule of staging photo shoots for the paparazzi, it’s understandable that Montag wouldn’t have time to complete a degree. But even a class or two in the liberal arts curriculum might help her realize that life is about more than simply aspiring to be like the wax version of herself at Madame Tussaud’s.

Here are some suggestions for classes that might be worth Montag’s valuable time:

Math. Montag has gone on record saying that she wants to inflate her already ample bosom even more—“H for Heidi,” she says, referring to the bra cup size to which she aspires. (Imagine if her name were Sara.) But if she took a class in math, she’d understand proportions. Specifically, she’d realize that with a body as small as hers, she can’t get much more top heavy without toppling over. (Fingers crossed that the cameras are rolling when she does!)

Music. Montag has said that “Superficial” will become a phenomenon similar to that of Michael Jackson’s “Thriller.” That said, I’d recommend a music history class, particularly one that focuses on 20th century music. Maybe then she’d realize the impact that Michael Jackson had on the music world and understand that “Billie Jean” has a lot more staying power than, say, “Turn Ya Head.”

Psychology. Even an Intro to Psych class will explore the topic of delusion, something in which Heidi has been happily living for some time. Although true to form, Montag probably wouldn’t even recognize the very word that describes her personality—or else she’ll miss that class in order to recuperate from yet another surgery.

Business. Really, even a calculator would be helpful at this point for Montag. She claims she spent around $2,000,000 of her own money for her recent CD and was optimistic that she would earn the money back in just the first week of its release. Since the CD dropped on the 11th, it has sold less than 700 copies. If Montag did some number crunching, she’d realize that she is far behind in her goal. So maybe a course in basic business principles would teach her that pouring big bucks into her own talent isn’t the best way to make a good return on investment.

Foreign Language. If you’ve read any blogs about Montag and her hubby, Spencer Pratt, you may begin to wonder if anybody likes them. But Montag carries on, seemingly unfazed by the haters who aren’t downloading her CD and saying she is on her way to becoming the next Cat Lady. Does this girl understand English? Apparently not. Perhaps it’s time to learn another language—maybe she’ll understand things better in Spanish. Ay dios mio!

–Barbara Bellesi

Entry Filed under: Just for Fun,Pop culture & college